Tag: Self Harm

Posted in Mental Health

There is always someone to talk to – Mental Health Helplines and Resources.

Posted on by iamerin

On the days where you feel like nothing is going right, when the sadness is creeping in and you just want someone to talk to, you really are not alone, Personally I don’t like making phone calls, so these Mental Health Helplines are mostly text or IM services and I seem to find it easier to express myself when I have some anonymity.

The purpose of this post is to talk about the Mental Health helplines and resources that I have found the most helpful (especially if you don’t like making phone calls), in the hopes that someone else will also find one of these useful and can feel a little less alone if you are struggling.

Samaritans

  • Call: 116 123
  • Email: jo@samaritans.org (response time 12-24hrs)
  • Text: 07725909090 (response time est. 30minutes)

IMALIVE.org

Instant Messaging service, Not always online but useful when available, uses the name of ‘Alex’ when replying.

Crisisline

  • Text: SHOUT to 85258 (Free: ignore the notification on Android Phones that mentions a fee, the response time is usually a few minutes.

Lifeline (Northern Ireland Specific)

  • Call: 0808 808 8000 (free)

These are mostly UK specific, but if you click this link https://meta.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/Mental_health_resources, you can search by country for other resources.

Another resource for those in the states x

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/

Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk

Be Good to Yourselves and if you haven’t seen my previous post, please check it out https://iamerin.co.uk/2019/06/24/it-feels-like-1-step-forward-2-steps-back/

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

Posted on by iamerin

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

Posted in Uncategorized

I just needed to ramble…..

Posted on by iamerin

What have I done in the last two days?

  • Dutifully called at the pharmacy everyday, to get my medication (The having to pick it up everyday precaution is getting pretty annoying if I wanted to Overdose, there are plenty of other pills I could take, but I suppose I can see the doctors point about not putting temptation in my way, after all, BPD has an 8-10% Mortality Rate apparently.)
  • Feeling particularly energetic yesterday, I decided to have a proper clear out of my bedroom, getting rid of clothes that no longer fit- of which I had a lot, some with the tags still on them. I binned an insane amount of out of date makeup and general useless crap, that I’d forgotten that I ever had. By the end of the 2 hours I had managed to tidy to a reasonable standard, the room felt like a different place, and I had managed to burn off the restless energy in a positive way.

As a side note, I am currently 9 days Self Harm free, it’s not a lot, but it’s something, and I am proud of it.

Erin x

           

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m tired. Of everything.

Posted on by iamerin

How did I reach the conclusion that I was tired of just about everything? It’s the small things that are often the last straw.

Which is pretty much what has happened today, a minor inconvenience to anyone else has felt like the end of the world for me.

I’ve cried for an hour straight, I’m questioning if I want to keep going with life, I know that in a day or two I could be back to a really great mood, but I also know that it won’t last and that sooner or later I’ll once again be being crushed by a wave of depression.

I’m just so tired of the constant ups and downs.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

My Mind is like a high speed train and I want off!

Posted on by iamerin

I was supposed to be handing in my leftover medication to the pharmacy today, so that I could start a dispense daily prescription, but I’ll be real with you guys, I didn’t take them in, they aren’t working so I’ve decided to stop taking them – what’s the point in taking something that isn’t working?

I went to my GP this morning, to get an appointment to discuss my not wanting to continue with the medication, there were emergency appointments available, so the GP was going to give me a callback.

The result of that phone call is that my GP wants me to keep taking the medication and he would see me for my review in a month. After that phone call, I cried out of frustration at the situation I find myself in.

There are too many thoughts swirling about in my head, and I need some way to calm them down.

I can’t keep going like this (Nothing has changed in the last eight years) – 3 days of just wanting to sleep and having recurring suicidal thoughts, and now I have that many ideas going through my mind and tasks that I could be doing and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.

I’m struggling right now to tell the difference between things that have happened in a dream and things that have happened. According to my bank, I spent nearly £50 yesterday, and I have no clue what the hell it was on.

I need my mind to shut up and stop going from thoughts of my family hating me, to what I want to make for dinner, to are people talking about me.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

What even is a normal day anymore???

Posted on by iamerin

I went to my appointment with a fake it til I make it attitude, turns out I’m pretty shit at faking being ok.

Self Harmed without even realising that’s what I was doing, so my therapist called my GP and the crisis team.

My GP wants me to hand in any medications I have and change to a dispense daily prescription and he will see me for a review in a month.

Meanwhile the crisis team have said that I don’t meet the criteria to need to be seen by them, so mentally I still feel like shit.

On another note, I spent my Monday night in A+E with my friend and honorary godchildren as one of them had got hurt.

Two hours and a little bit of glue later, everything was fixed and we were able to go home and straight to bed.

If only my mental health could be fixed that easily.

Posted in Uncategorized

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

Posted on by iamerin

It shouldn’t surprise me when I get depressed, after 8 years on this emotional rollercoaster, I should be used to things, the constant up and down.

A part of me wants to go to my Therapy appointment tomorrow as I am – I haven’t washed my hair in a week and my personal hygiene is questionable at the moment, The antidepressants no longer seem to work properly, as I feel like crap and am debating necking the lot of them.

Another part of me, says no. I have to get washed and dressed and be presentable and put on a smile and pretend like I’m fine, and like my moods ok and the meds are working, because I feel like a burden to my friends and family, if I say I need help or if I’m struggling.

I think to myself, I can’t take up a doctors time because someone else needs it more than I do, someone who has far more reason to have an illness than I do.

Apart from forcing myself to go to a friends baby shower – in which I was no doubt judged for my outfit and not having washed my hair, I have spent the weekend either lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping.

I have an app on my phone that asks you to identify your emotions each day and what the factors causing the emotion are, today I wasn’t able to fill it in, as I’m not sure what I feel exactly.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m getting sick of this rollercoaster!

Posted on by iamerin

So my mum is back in the hospital again, since Monday, a blood clot in her lung. I feel sorry for both my parents – they spent their 37th wedding anniversary in the local hospital.

I’ve been visiting her in the afternoons, she’s getting better and will hopefully be home soon, but the doctors are saying she might be on injections for the rest of her life.

This week, I’ve had three days of pretty crappy mood, wondering what the point of life is and Self Harming. I’m now back in an ok-ish mood but am exhausted and want to cry for no reason simultaneously.

I’m starting to get anxious about my 2nd Therapy appointment; it’s at 11 am on Monday. I can’t remember the half of what I talked about in my session three weeks ago, and I’m still debating on if I should come clean and admit that I zoned out for a bit in the last appointment or wait and hope it doesn’t happen again.

It’s like this: I’ll be having a conversation and all these thoughts are going through my mind, and my brain zones out of the discussion and latches on to this random train of thought. Then I’m left not having heard the question and have to either make up an answer and hope that it’s the right one or ask the person to repeat the question (which I hate doing unless it’s a friend or family member).

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

What is normal?

Posted on by iamerin

Between feeling at one with the world one minute and wanting to cry for no reason, the next, I think it’s pretty obvious that my good mood has well and truly done a runner.

I find myself taking sanctuary in the public library – it has become my safe space, I can get away from everything, turn my phone on silent and I don’t have to speak to anyone.

Just me and whatever project I’ve been working on.

My current project will no doubt go the way of the rest – forgotten about for weeks and then picked up again as I’d never left it.

Ever been in such a good mood that you feel like you could learn piano in a day? I have; Got a keyboard, took an online course and then moved on to something else about a week later. Still can’t play the piano.

Thought to myself – ‘you know what, I’m going to write a book about my life and Mental Health’, I’ve written two chapters and haven’t looked at it in months.

These constant up and down moods are exhausting, I’m not entirely sure that the antidepressants I am on are working very well. My main reason for sticking with them is that I don’t gain weight when I’m on them – vain of me, I know.

I keep being asked by doctors “What’s a normal stable mood period like for me?”

My answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what’s normal.

Is it;

  • Being in a good mood to the point where I feel like I can take on anything
  • Dropping to a low in which I plan how I would kill myself

Or is it

  • Feeling like I have so much energy and can do lots of things but at the same time being in such a bad mood that I wonder what the point of life really is?.

I wouldn’t know what a normal mood was if it slapped me in the face.

Erin x