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28th May 2019

My next therapy appointment isn’t until the 3rd June, and I’m finding things hard right now- so this is my alternative, talk to the internet, or myself if no one reads my blog.

This morning, I have come to the library in the hopes of continuing some of my online course, but I can’t concentrate.

Today I feel like crying at pretty much everything, and every little thing seems to annoy me more than it should.

For Instance, I tried to get a seat in the library this morning, only for this 16-year-old to tell me; she was saving these seats for her friends. Now usually this wouldn’t bother me too much, but not today, today this simple thing made me so angry that I had to walk away before I could practically see myself punching this random girl.

I’ve had a headache on and off for the last three days, which is probably affecting my mood quite a bit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad; I’m just empty. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days asleep because I’m not getting enjoyment out of anything. I’ve started to watch the first episode of about six different tv shows and lost interest about 10 minutes into each, before moving to another show and repeating the process.

Erin x

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I just needed to ramble…..

What have I done in the last two days?

  • Dutifully called at the pharmacy everyday, to get my medication (The having to pick it up everyday precaution is getting pretty annoying if I wanted to Overdose, there are plenty of other pills I could take, but I suppose I can see the doctors point about not putting temptation in my way, after all, BPD has an 8-10% Mortality Rate apparently.)
  • Feeling particularly energetic yesterday, I decided to have a proper clear out of my bedroom, getting rid of clothes that no longer fit- of which I had a lot, some with the tags still on them. I binned an insane amount of out of date makeup and general useless crap, that I’d forgotten that I ever had. By the end of the 2 hours I had managed to tidy to a reasonable standard, the room felt like a different place, and I had managed to burn off the restless energy in a positive way.

As a side note, I am currently 9 days Self Harm free, it’s not a lot, but it’s something, and I am proud of it.

Erin x

           

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In a ‘Home from Holiday’ slump.

England was pretty good, apart from the fact that I managed to wake my roommates with my nightmares and spent nearly £100 on Ubers.

The Harry Potter studio tour was fantastic and I wish I’d had more time and money to spend there.

Today was my first proper day back home and my mood is a bit down, it was made worse by the fact that I went shopping…. Or tried to.

I tried on some clothes in New Look and have never felt and looked as fat in my life, so ended up feeling like crap and buying £60 worth of clothes and accessories for the gym, which I start back at regularly on Friday.

Erin x

Posted in Travelling

The mood is good!

I finally got my new phone- it’s going to take a little getting used to, as I’ve always used iPhone but the Huawei P30 Pro in Breathing Crystal, just looks so pretty and the camera is awesome.

I’ve been advised by several people that I would probably do quite well if I started a youtube channel, but I have yet to work up the courage to actually upload anything that I have filmed, so a friend suggested that I do a live on YouTube, so that I can’t let my anxiety stop me from posting.

I don’t have a lot planned for today- I just have to pick up my meds at the chemist and then sort out a few things for going to London at the end of the week.

I booked tickets to go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour, I kept saying that I wanted to go and then never booked it, but when I managed to get flights, hotel and tickets to the studio tour for like £80, I decided that I had to book it at that price, 3 days away and it’s rather exciting.

Erin x

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My Mind is like a high speed train and I want off!

I was supposed to be handing in my leftover medication to the pharmacy today, so that I could start a dispense daily prescription, but I’ll be real with you guys, I didn’t take them in, they aren’t working so I’ve decided to stop taking them – what’s the point in taking something that isn’t working?

I went to my GP this morning, to get an appointment to discuss my not wanting to continue with the medication, there were emergency appointments available, so the GP was going to give me a callback.

The result of that phone call is that my GP wants me to keep taking the medication and he would see me for my review in a month. After that phone call, I cried out of frustration at the situation I find myself in.

There are too many thoughts swirling about in my head, and I need some way to calm them down.

I can’t keep going like this (Nothing has changed in the last eight years) – 3 days of just wanting to sleep and having recurring suicidal thoughts, and now I have that many ideas going through my mind and tasks that I could be doing and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.

I’m struggling right now to tell the difference between things that have happened in a dream and things that have happened. According to my bank, I spent nearly £50 yesterday, and I have no clue what the hell it was on.

I need my mind to shut up and stop going from thoughts of my family hating me, to what I want to make for dinner, to are people talking about me.

Erin x

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Why is it so hard to ask for help?

It shouldn’t surprise me when I get depressed, after 8 years on this emotional rollercoaster, I should be used to things, the constant up and down.

A part of me wants to go to my Therapy appointment tomorrow as I am – I haven’t washed my hair in a week and my personal hygiene is questionable at the moment, The antidepressants no longer seem to work properly, as I feel like crap and am debating necking the lot of them.

Another part of me, says no. I have to get washed and dressed and be presentable and put on a smile and pretend like I’m fine, and like my moods ok and the meds are working, because I feel like a burden to my friends and family, if I say I need help or if I’m struggling.

I think to myself, I can’t take up a doctors time because someone else needs it more than I do, someone who has far more reason to have an illness than I do.

Apart from forcing myself to go to a friends baby shower – in which I was no doubt judged for my outfit and not having washed my hair, I have spent the weekend either lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping.

I have an app on my phone that asks you to identify your emotions each day and what the factors causing the emotion are, today I wasn’t able to fill it in, as I’m not sure what I feel exactly.

Erin x