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life update – Hoping this is just a blip

I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting my blog right now, for the last 3 weeks my mood has been pretty good, I uploaded some videos to youtube and have been getting on well with my CBT appointments.

I am happy to say that I have started exercising more and am trying to lose some weight and get healthier, in the hopes that, that will help improve my mental health.

Today I woke up feeling sad and emotional for no apparent reason and my mood has dipped, which I’m thinking is just a blip, nothing has changed in the last 3 weeks to cause my dip in mood (well other than I’ve been reducing medication, so that I can start a new one).

Taking life one day at a time

Erin x

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I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

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28th May 2019

My next therapy appointment isn’t until the 3rd June, and I’m finding things hard right now- so this is my alternative, talk to the internet, or myself if no one reads my blog.

This morning, I have come to the library in the hopes of continuing some of my online course, but I can’t concentrate.

Today I feel like crying at pretty much everything, and every little thing seems to annoy me more than it should.

For Instance, I tried to get a seat in the library this morning, only for this 16-year-old to tell me; she was saving these seats for her friends. Now usually this wouldn’t bother me too much, but not today, today this simple thing made me so angry that I had to walk away before I could practically see myself punching this random girl.

I’ve had a headache on and off for the last three days, which is probably affecting my mood quite a bit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad; I’m just empty. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days asleep because I’m not getting enjoyment out of anything. I’ve started to watch the first episode of about six different tv shows and lost interest about 10 minutes into each, before moving to another show and repeating the process.

Erin x

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In a ‘Home from Holiday’ slump.

England was pretty good, apart from the fact that I managed to wake my roommates with my nightmares and spent nearly £100 on Ubers.

The Harry Potter studio tour was fantastic and I wish I’d had more time and money to spend there.

Today was my first proper day back home and my mood is a bit down, it was made worse by the fact that I went shopping…. Or tried to.

I tried on some clothes in New Look and have never felt and looked as fat in my life, so ended up feeling like crap and buying £60 worth of clothes and accessories for the gym, which I start back at regularly on Friday.

Erin x

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I’m tired. Of everything.

How did I reach the conclusion that I was tired of just about everything? It’s the small things that are often the last straw.

Which is pretty much what has happened today, a minor inconvenience to anyone else has felt like the end of the world for me.

I’ve cried for an hour straight, I’m questioning if I want to keep going with life, I know that in a day or two I could be back to a really great mood, but I also know that it won’t last and that sooner or later I’ll once again be being crushed by a wave of depression.

I’m just so tired of the constant ups and downs.

Erin x

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My Mind is like a high speed train and I want off!

I was supposed to be handing in my leftover medication to the pharmacy today, so that I could start a dispense daily prescription, but I’ll be real with you guys, I didn’t take them in, they aren’t working so I’ve decided to stop taking them – what’s the point in taking something that isn’t working?

I went to my GP this morning, to get an appointment to discuss my not wanting to continue with the medication, there were emergency appointments available, so the GP was going to give me a callback.

The result of that phone call is that my GP wants me to keep taking the medication and he would see me for my review in a month. After that phone call, I cried out of frustration at the situation I find myself in.

There are too many thoughts swirling about in my head, and I need some way to calm them down.

I can’t keep going like this (Nothing has changed in the last eight years) – 3 days of just wanting to sleep and having recurring suicidal thoughts, and now I have that many ideas going through my mind and tasks that I could be doing and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.

I’m struggling right now to tell the difference between things that have happened in a dream and things that have happened. According to my bank, I spent nearly £50 yesterday, and I have no clue what the hell it was on.

I need my mind to shut up and stop going from thoughts of my family hating me, to what I want to make for dinner, to are people talking about me.

Erin x

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What even is a normal day anymore???

I went to my appointment with a fake it til I make it attitude, turns out I’m pretty shit at faking being ok.

Self Harmed without even realising that’s what I was doing, so my therapist called my GP and the crisis team.

My GP wants me to hand in any medications I have and change to a dispense daily prescription and he will see me for a review in a month.

Meanwhile the crisis team have said that I don’t meet the criteria to need to be seen by them, so mentally I still feel like shit.

On another note, I spent my Monday night in A+E with my friend and honorary godchildren as one of them had got hurt.

Two hours and a little bit of glue later, everything was fixed and we were able to go home and straight to bed.

If only my mental health could be fixed that easily.

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What is normal?

Between feeling at one with the world one minute and wanting to cry for no reason, the next, I think it’s pretty obvious that my good mood has well and truly done a runner.

I find myself taking sanctuary in the public library – it has become my safe space, I can get away from everything, turn my phone on silent and I don’t have to speak to anyone.

Just me and whatever project I’ve been working on.

My current project will no doubt go the way of the rest – forgotten about for weeks and then picked up again as I’d never left it.

Ever been in such a good mood that you feel like you could learn piano in a day? I have; Got a keyboard, took an online course and then moved on to something else about a week later. Still can’t play the piano.

Thought to myself – ‘you know what, I’m going to write a book about my life and Mental Health’, I’ve written two chapters and haven’t looked at it in months.

These constant up and down moods are exhausting, I’m not entirely sure that the antidepressants I am on are working very well. My main reason for sticking with them is that I don’t gain weight when I’m on them – vain of me, I know.

I keep being asked by doctors “What’s a normal stable mood period like for me?”

My answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what’s normal.

Is it;

  • Being in a good mood to the point where I feel like I can take on anything
  • Dropping to a low in which I plan how I would kill myself

Or is it

  • Feeling like I have so much energy and can do lots of things but at the same time being in such a bad mood that I wonder what the point of life really is?.

I wouldn’t know what a normal mood was if it slapped me in the face.

Erin x