Posted in Mental Health

Anxiety will not beat me.

My mood the last few days has been really good, despite the weather being pretty crap for June.

The closer it gets to 3pm on the 24th June, the sicker I feel, but i can’t let my anxiety about this appointment win – It’s just the fear of the unknown and not knowing what to expect.

I have been spending more time volunteering this week, the team of people that I work with a truly amazing and have helped my Mental Health more than they know. I don’t know what I would be doing if I didn’t have that support, it’s been the constant in my life for approx. 4 years now.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

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28th May 2019

My next therapy appointment isn’t until the 3rd June, and I’m finding things hard right now- so this is my alternative, talk to the internet, or myself if no one reads my blog.

This morning, I have come to the library in the hopes of continuing some of my online course, but I can’t concentrate.

Today I feel like crying at pretty much everything, and every little thing seems to annoy me more than it should.

For Instance, I tried to get a seat in the library this morning, only for this 16-year-old to tell me; she was saving these seats for her friends. Now usually this wouldn’t bother me too much, but not today, today this simple thing made me so angry that I had to walk away before I could practically see myself punching this random girl.

I’ve had a headache on and off for the last three days, which is probably affecting my mood quite a bit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad; I’m just empty. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days asleep because I’m not getting enjoyment out of anything. I’ve started to watch the first episode of about six different tv shows and lost interest about 10 minutes into each, before moving to another show and repeating the process.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m drowning, and I know it.

28 days. I had 28 days of being positive and in a good mood and I think today is the end of the run.

I felt myself slipping since this morning, small things. A boxset I ordered came in the post,I was so excited when I ordered it because it looked really good, it arrived and I find myself having no interest in watching it, the idea of concentrating for that long seems exhausting.

The next thing to happen was an intrusive thought- which I do get quite a bit, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that my mood is taking an extended nosedive. But all the same, it’s got me wondering because mentally healthy people don’t think ‘I could mix this with vodka and pills’ when they are taking a drink of fruit juice, do they?

The third and final thing, came as I was staring at the red light on the deep fat fryer about to make chips, I let my mind wander over a conversation I had tried to have earlier with my mum, I say tried, because it wasn’t so much a conversation, as me just talking at her, I got the impression she would rather not know what’s going on with me, my whole family just seem to find it awkward and want to avoid it, like not acknowledging it means that it’s not happening.

It is happening and it’s exhausting trying to hide it from my family to protect them because they seem unable or unwilling to even think that I might be finding life a little hard.

I get a break when I’m feeling good, the good feelings I can acknowledge around my family, I don’t have to hide, but heaven forbid I feel down, then no one wants to hear it.

I’m drowning, I know it, but I have to keep pretending like everything is ok. I was born prematurely, I weighed 1lb 9oz and could have died, I caused enough misery and heartache when I came into this world, I can’t be responsible for my family going through any more pain, by being the weird one in the family with a mental illness, so I have to hide it.

I’d give anything to be Normal, but I guess I’ve never really been a normal person from the minute I was born.

Erin x

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I just needed to ramble…..

What have I done in the last two days?

  • Dutifully called at the pharmacy everyday, to get my medication (The having to pick it up everyday precaution is getting pretty annoying if I wanted to Overdose, there are plenty of other pills I could take, but I suppose I can see the doctors point about not putting temptation in my way, after all, BPD has an 8-10% Mortality Rate apparently.)
  • Feeling particularly energetic yesterday, I decided to have a proper clear out of my bedroom, getting rid of clothes that no longer fit- of which I had a lot, some with the tags still on them. I binned an insane amount of out of date makeup and general useless crap, that I’d forgotten that I ever had. By the end of the 2 hours I had managed to tidy to a reasonable standard, the room felt like a different place, and I had managed to burn off the restless energy in a positive way.

As a side note, I am currently 9 days Self Harm free, it’s not a lot, but it’s something, and I am proud of it.

Erin x

           

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In a ‘Home from Holiday’ slump.

England was pretty good, apart from the fact that I managed to wake my roommates with my nightmares and spent nearly £100 on Ubers.

The Harry Potter studio tour was fantastic and I wish I’d had more time and money to spend there.

Today was my first proper day back home and my mood is a bit down, it was made worse by the fact that I went shopping…. Or tried to.

I tried on some clothes in New Look and have never felt and looked as fat in my life, so ended up feeling like crap and buying £60 worth of clothes and accessories for the gym, which I start back at regularly on Friday.

Erin x

Posted in Travelling

The mood is good!

I finally got my new phone- it’s going to take a little getting used to, as I’ve always used iPhone but the Huawei P30 Pro in Breathing Crystal, just looks so pretty and the camera is awesome.

I’ve been advised by several people that I would probably do quite well if I started a youtube channel, but I have yet to work up the courage to actually upload anything that I have filmed, so a friend suggested that I do a live on YouTube, so that I can’t let my anxiety stop me from posting.

I don’t have a lot planned for today- I just have to pick up my meds at the chemist and then sort out a few things for going to London at the end of the week.

I booked tickets to go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour, I kept saying that I wanted to go and then never booked it, but when I managed to get flights, hotel and tickets to the studio tour for like £80, I decided that I had to book it at that price, 3 days away and it’s rather exciting.

Erin x

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I keep letting my train of thought get away.

It’s the early hours of the morning on Sunday 28th April, I’m currently listening to music and have just opened WordPress to write a new blog post. When I signed in, I had an idea of what I wanted to write about, but in the minute it’s taken me to get to the create my post page, I have completely lost the train of thought that I was going to follow.

I know that some bloggers like to plan out posts in advance, but I can’t seem to do it, I’m a spur of the moment kind of person, when the urge to write hits, I oblige.

Money tree – that was it!

Since my slight blip on Wednesday, I spent the Majority of Thursday in bed, watching tv and with my phone turned off to avoid people and social media.

Friday found me in a much better mood.

I went to my volunteering job and then proceeded to go downtown to finish buying things for a friend who is pregnant, the idea was that I would buy what I needed in cash and then go home.It didn’t quite work out that way, and I found myself looking at a rather cute elephant teddy and some other bits to go with what I had already bought ( I was only supposed to be getting a gift bag and card, as I’ve already bought baby clothes etc.).
I used my Credit Card for a few things and now have a month to figure out where I’m supposed to find the money to pay what I owe to avoid interest.

Plus I go to London for a few days at the end of the week and don’t think I’m going to have enough money – which means I’m going to need my good old credit card.

I have a month to worry about how I’m going to pay the money off, and I’ll figure things out, I usually do.

Erin x

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I’m tired. Of everything.

How did I reach the conclusion that I was tired of just about everything? It’s the small things that are often the last straw.

Which is pretty much what has happened today, a minor inconvenience to anyone else has felt like the end of the world for me.

I’ve cried for an hour straight, I’m questioning if I want to keep going with life, I know that in a day or two I could be back to a really great mood, but I also know that it won’t last and that sooner or later I’ll once again be being crushed by a wave of depression.

I’m just so tired of the constant ups and downs.

Erin x

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The show must go on!

Since my last post my things have been pretty good mood wise.

I had to go to my GP to get my hand looked at as it has become a little infected, a few days of changing bandages and iodine and it is well on the way to healing – if the itch is any indication anyway.

On thursday, my mind wouldnt shut up and i needed things to slow down, so upon speaking to a friend, I am now trying CBD Oil in my vape, which I must say is actually working pretty well for me.

Over the past 6 days, I have napped, tidied (a bit), washed and dried clothes (without shrinking them) and binged watched ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ on Netflix, it’s actually a really good series and I find it really funny as someone who has BPD.

I had a lovely day yesterday (Monday 22nd) at my volunteering job- lots of tea and chocolate biscuits, before meeting my mum in town – the result of which is I get to pick up a new phone on Wednesday, I’m officially jumping ship from an iPhone X to a Huawei P30 Pro.

Took one of those online personality quiz things and my results are the attached image….. it’s scarily accurate I would say.

Erin x