Posted in Mental Health

Recovery is NOT straight forward

Just an update – I apologise for a month between posts, My Mental Health got in the way and zapped my motivation to write.

After taking a sub-therapeutic dose of a medication that was doing nothing but making me physically sick, I made the decision 2 weeks ago to come off it.

I was trying to be optimistic, hoping that the longer I rode things out that my mood would eventually lift again, over the last 3 or 4 weeks my mood has just been steadily getting worse.

so after 2 weeks, I decided I couldn’t go any longer and made the decision to go back on medication, this time one that I have used before and know will not make me ill. I’m still struggling to accept that being on medication doesn’t mean I have failed in my recovery.

Trying more every day to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, to fill my life with positives quotes and positive people – currently reading ‘Good Life, Good Vibes’ by Vex King – so far I highly recommend it.

Hope you are all well,

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

Small Steps are OK!

It’s been over a month since my last blog post and I can only apologize, my mental health has been slowly declining over the last few weeks.

Today I managed to get up at 11:30 am and have a shower and do some washing, which might seem like little things and easy to do, but trust me, when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to go back to sleep and ‘what’s the point anyway?’. Those small things are like climbing a mountain.

I’ve felt myself slipping for the last few weeks. It’s not like I haven’t reached out for help, the help just doesn’t seem to care – I’m currently not taking the medication that I am prescribed as I found the side effects too bad. I couldn’t cope with constant nausea and headaches and just feeling generally unwell.

I waited things out as long as I could in the hopes that the sides effects would eventually pass, nut no such luck.

Now on to the story of why I haven’t gotten help yet….

I tried, I rang my GP, they told me to ring Community Mental Health. I rang Community Mental Health. They told me I had been discharged from the system (again, this has happened a few times and I keep being referred back), so they were unable to give me an appointment. I was then told me to ring my CBT Therapist.

So, at my CBT appointment on Monday (14th October) I duly told my therapist what I had been told and he seemed confused by this and wasn’t sure what was going on, so he said he would give them a call and see what was going on.

My next CBT appointment is tomorrow (22nd October), so I’m hoping that I will finally have a solution to the medication issue and can get more help. I feel like I’ve been running in circles and I’m tired of it. I won’t lie if I don’t get any further forward with everything tomorrow, it will be like the Mental Health Care System saying that they don’t care. Truthfully I’m at the lowest I have been in a long time.

If anyone reading this can relate and needs help in a crisis. I recommend @giveusashout in the UK, you can text them on 85258. For anyone outside of the UK, follow the links listed here or check out my previous blog post on helpline and resources here

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

Everything is just Blah right now

I had a great time away at the start of this week and saw some beautiful scenery. We stayed in Ballyliffin, County Donegal and drove around some of the ‘Wild Atlantic Way’.

My medication is still causing constant nausea, headaches and occasional vomiting. I’ve been advised to wait things out another week, and then contact my doctor if it hasn’t gotten any better by the end of week 2.

The title of this post is to reflect the fact that I don’t really know how I feel right now. I’m in a pretty good mood, but I have my bad moments. I had thought the new meds would help more with my concentration too.

I need to be able to concentrate overall. Not just fixate on a specific thing, but that’s what has happened this week. Everything else just takes a backseat and it’s like whatever new project I have going is all that matters. Right now it is my new Bullet Journal and planning it out – I love using Trello for this sort of thing as it lets me create a board of ideas and designs easily.

Stay Safe my Lovlies,

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

Medication can be a bumpy ride, but you can get through.

Let’s talk Medication Side Effects, I am on day 3 of a New Antidepressant, Vortioxetine also called Brintellix. They are tablets, that come in 5, 10,15 or 20 milligrams.

Personally, I am on 10mg daily and the main side effect that I am struggling with currently is nausea, for the first 2 days the nausea was really bad and I was physically sick, which makes you think, what’s the point in taking a medication that probably isn’t staying in your system anyway.

I woke up this morning and decided, third day lucky, I would give things another go.

I count today as a success, there’s been no vomiting, just nausea and a headache.

The best ways that I have found to combat the nausea are:

  • Take slow sips of drinks, like water or dilute orange etc
  • You can drink fizzy drinks slowly if they are ice cold (it’s strange)
  • Deep Breathing helps as does distraction!
  • Avoid Heavy, fried or greasy foods (trust me on this, keep things light)

Other than paracetamol and fresh air, I haven’t found any other ways to deal with the headaches.

I’ve also been having hot flushes and slightly fast pulse when I move around too quickly – but that’s been pretty easy to deal with, just don’t move too fast and make sure to keep cool.

Hopefully, the side effects only last a week, if not I’ll contact my doctor to see what they suggest.

If you are concerned by any side effects you may be having from Medication, contact your doctor or go to a hospital in an emergency and always read the safety leaflet that comes with your medication before taking it.

Wishing you a good week, I’m off to spend mine in Donegal, relaxing and spending time with nature, if you have any questions or just want to chat, you can email me at or Follow me on Twitter @ESamantha95

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

life update – Hoping this is just a blip

I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting my blog right now, for the last 3 weeks my mood has been pretty good, I uploaded some videos to youtube and have been getting on well with my CBT appointments.

I am happy to say that I have started exercising more and am trying to lose some weight and get healthier, in the hopes that, that will help improve my mental health.

Today I woke up feeling sad and emotional for no apparent reason and my mood has dipped, which I’m thinking is just a blip, nothing has changed in the last 3 weeks to cause my dip in mood (well other than I’ve been reducing medication, so that I can start a new one).

Taking life one day at a time

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

Officially 24!

Another year older, My original Plan for my Birthday was to go see a movie and go for a meal, but by Friday I wasn’t exactly in the mood to follow a plan.

I went out with my best friend, we skipped the movie and the meal and just went to 3 different pubs instead – We did order Dominos Pizza at 3 am though, so we still had some food.

I didn’t get so drunk that I forgot the whole night, just bits of it – but the bits I do remember were pretty f*ucking good.

I also took the leap and uploaded my first youtube video, it’s shit and I know it’s shit, but I’m working on being better – any constructive criticism is welcome.

You can watch it here

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

How exactly do I forgive myself?

So I had my 5th session of CBT on Monday (1st July) . In 5 sessions I’ve learned that I don’t like experiencing negative emotion and that I need to find positive ways to express my emotions – so I haven’t learnt anything I didn’t already know. The realisation I did come to is that I need to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past, in order to move forward.

I’ve been carrying around a lot of shame, anger and guilt for years, over situations that I can’t change, feeling like I’m not normal or not good enough because I’m not like everyone else.

It’s time I start learning how to deal with guilt and shame and learn to forgive myself to be able to move forward with my life. I need to learn to love myself for who I am today, not grieve for the person I wish I had been. (I get the feeling that it’s not going to be easy).

I’m on day 10 of the reduced dose of medication and I honestly don’t know if my mood would of naturally dipped at this time or if it’s caused by the reduced dose of medication. My Birthday is in two days and I had plans to go out, to have fun and right now I’d much rather stay in and watch a movie and have a few drinks in the house with my best friend.

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

There is always someone to talk to – Mental Health Helplines and Resources.

On the days where you feel like nothing is going right, when the sadness is creeping in and you just want someone to talk to, you really are not alone, Personally I don’t like making phone calls, so these Mental Health Helplines are mostly text or IM services and I seem to find it easier to express myself when I have some anonymity.

The purpose of this post is to talk about the Mental Health helplines and resources that I have found the most helpful (especially if you don’t like making phone calls), in the hopes that someone else will also find one of these useful and can feel a little less alone if you are struggling.


  • Call: 116 123
  • Email: (response time 12-24hrs)
  • Text: 07725909090 (response time est. 30minutes)

Instant Messaging service, Not always online but useful when available, uses the name of ‘Alex’ when replying.


  • Text: SHOUT to 85258 (Free: ignore the notification on Android Phones that mentions a fee, the response time is usually a few minutes.

Lifeline (Northern Ireland Specific)

  • Call: 0808 808 8000 (free)

These are mostly UK specific, but if you click this link, you can search by country for other resources.

Another resource for those in the states x

Be Good to Yourselves and if you haven’t seen my previous post, please check it out

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

It feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

My appointment today went ok, kind of…….If feeling like I’m back at square 1 and haven’t exactly gotten anywhere in the last 8 years, can be called ok.

The result of today is that I am changing medication, which means that I have to come off the medication that I’m on now, over the next four weeks – which is quite frankly terrifying.

I’ve also discovered today that I hate the new name of EUPD, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder just feels like a slap in the face, the word ‘unstable’ makes people think that I’m going to turn around and kill them or something, when in reality I’m more of a risk to myself than others.

The new medication didn’t exactly come with a glowing endorsement either, ‘to be honest, I don’t think it will help, but we’ll try it’ is not exactly the sentence you want to hear from a Doctor, it doesn’t boost my confidence.

So now I feel like crying out of frustration and like I’m failing at ‘recovery’ because nothing has really changed in the last eight years.

I suppose that I just need to take things a day at a time and remain positive. Overall though, my mood has been pretty good, I’ve just been anxious about the appointment and wondering what to expect but now that it’s over, I’m thinking, what was I worried about…..


Posted in Mental Health

It’s FriYAY!!!

I’m making a pledge to be more active on my blog, so I will be trying to post at least once a week.

I know a lot of people probably find my posts boring, but that’s ok. My goal with this blog is to have somewhere to get all my thoughts and feelings out, so that I wasn’t being burdened by them and so far things seem to be working well.

I’m finding my blog more helpful than the techniques I have learnt in CBT to be honest.

For my appointment on Monday, I need to work up the courage to speak my mind. Usually saying what I think isn’t an issue, but when it comes to doctors I think ’what do I know? They have a medical degree.’ – but as someone close to be pointed out to me – my opinion counts because it’s my brain and I know how I do or don’t feel.

I started off thinking to myself that they are going to tell me that I am fine for some reason and that I can’t be helped, this train of thought caused me three panic attacks last week.

I shall have to find the resolve to make the comments and speak my mind on Monday – I don’t feel that the medication I am on is helping as much as I need. There are bound to be other medications apart from Fluoxetine that can help with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Anyone also diagnosed with BPD, what meds do you take and what are they for??

Erin x