Just an update – I apologise for a month between posts, My Mental Health got in the way and zapped my motivation to write.
After taking a sub-therapeutic dose of a medication that was doing nothing but making me physically sick, I made the decision 2 weeks ago to come off it.
I was trying to be optimistic, hoping that the longer I rode things out that my mood would eventually lift again, over the last 3 or 4 weeks my mood has just been steadily getting worse.
so after 2 weeks, I decided I couldn’t go any longer and made the decision to go back on medication, this time one that I have used before and know will not make me ill. I’m still struggling to accept that being on medication doesn’t mean I have failed in my recovery.
Trying more every day to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, to fill my life with positives quotes and positive people – currently reading ‘Good Life, Good Vibes’ by Vex King – so far I highly recommend it.
Hope you are all well,
I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting my blog right now, for the last 3 weeks my mood has been pretty good, I uploaded some videos to youtube and have been getting on well with my CBT appointments.
I am happy to say that I have started exercising more and am trying to lose some weight and get healthier, in the hopes that, that will help improve my mental health.
Today I woke up feeling sad and emotional for no apparent reason and my mood has dipped, which I’m thinking is just a blip, nothing has changed in the last 3 weeks to cause my dip in mood (well other than I’ve been reducing medication, so that I can start a new one).
Taking life one day at a time
My appointment today went ok, kind of…….If feeling like I’m back at square 1 and haven’t exactly gotten anywhere in the last 8 years, can be called ok.
The result of today is that I am changing medication, which means that I have to come off the medication that I’m on now, over the next four weeks – which is quite frankly terrifying.
I’ve also discovered today that I hate the new name of EUPD, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder just feels like a slap in the face, the word ‘unstable’ makes people think that I’m going to turn around and kill them or something, when in reality I’m more of a risk to myself than others.
The new medication didn’t exactly come with a glowing endorsement either, ‘to be honest, I don’t think it will help, but we’ll try it’ is not exactly the sentence you want to hear from a Doctor, it doesn’t boost my confidence.
So now I feel like crying out of frustration and like I’m failing at ‘recovery’ because nothing has really changed in the last eight years.
I suppose that I just need to take things a day at a time and remain positive. Overall though, my mood has been pretty good, I’ve just been anxious about the appointment and wondering what to expect but now that it’s over, I’m thinking, what was I worried about…..
I’m making a pledge to be more active on my blog, so I will be trying to post at least once a week.
I know a lot of people probably find my posts boring, but that’s ok. My goal with this blog is to have somewhere to get all my thoughts and feelings out, so that I wasn’t being burdened by them and so far things seem to be working well.
I’m finding my blog more helpful than the techniques I have learnt in CBT to be honest.
For my appointment on Monday, I need to work up the courage to speak my mind. Usually saying what I think isn’t an issue, but when it comes to doctors I think ’what do I know? They have a medical degree.’ – but as someone close to be pointed out to me – my opinion counts because it’s my brain and I know how I do or don’t feel.
I started off thinking to myself that they are going to tell me that I am fine for some reason and that I can’t be helped, this train of thought caused me three panic attacks last week.
I shall have to find the resolve to make the comments and speak my mind on Monday – I don’t feel that the medication I am on is helping as much as I need. There are bound to be other medications apart from Fluoxetine that can help with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Anyone also diagnosed with BPD, what meds do you take and what are they for??