Posted in Mental Health

Recovery is NOT straight forward

Just an update – I apologise for a month between posts, My Mental Health got in the way and zapped my motivation to write.

After taking a sub-therapeutic dose of a medication that was doing nothing but making me physically sick, I made the decision 2 weeks ago to come off it.

I was trying to be optimistic, hoping that the longer I rode things out that my mood would eventually lift again, over the last 3 or 4 weeks my mood has just been steadily getting worse.

so after 2 weeks, I decided I couldn’t go any longer and made the decision to go back on medication, this time one that I have used before and know will not make me ill. I’m still struggling to accept that being on medication doesn’t mean I have failed in my recovery.

Trying more every day to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, to fill my life with positives quotes and positive people – currently reading ‘Good Life, Good Vibes’ by Vex King – so far I highly recommend it.

Hope you are all well,

Erin x

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Small Steps are OK!

It’s been over a month since my last blog post and I can only apologize, my mental health has been slowly declining over the last few weeks.

Today I managed to get up at 11:30 am and have a shower and do some washing, which might seem like little things and easy to do, but trust me, when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to go back to sleep and ‘what’s the point anyway?’. Those small things are like climbing a mountain.

I’ve felt myself slipping for the last few weeks. It’s not like I haven’t reached out for help, the help just doesn’t seem to care – I’m currently not taking the medication that I am prescribed as I found the side effects too bad. I couldn’t cope with constant nausea and headaches and just feeling generally unwell.

I waited things out as long as I could in the hopes that the sides effects would eventually pass, nut no such luck.

Now on to the story of why I haven’t gotten help yet….

I tried, I rang my GP, they told me to ring Community Mental Health. I rang Community Mental Health. They told me I had been discharged from the system (again, this has happened a few times and I keep being referred back), so they were unable to give me an appointment. I was then told me to ring my CBT Therapist.

So, at my CBT appointment on Monday (14th October) I duly told my therapist what I had been told and he seemed confused by this and wasn’t sure what was going on, so he said he would give them a call and see what was going on.

My next CBT appointment is tomorrow (22nd October), so I’m hoping that I will finally have a solution to the medication issue and can get more help. I feel like I’ve been running in circles and I’m tired of it. I won’t lie if I don’t get any further forward with everything tomorrow, it will be like the Mental Health Care System saying that they don’t care. Truthfully I’m at the lowest I have been in a long time.

If anyone reading this can relate and needs help in a crisis. I recommend @giveusashout in the UK, you can text them on 85258. For anyone outside of the UK, follow the links listed here https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/#.Xa4XiZNKhdg or check out my previous blog post on helpline and resources here

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

There is always someone to talk to – Mental Health Helplines and Resources.

On the days where you feel like nothing is going right, when the sadness is creeping in and you just want someone to talk to, you really are not alone, Personally I don’t like making phone calls, so these Mental Health Helplines are mostly text or IM services and I seem to find it easier to express myself when I have some anonymity.

The purpose of this post is to talk about the Mental Health helplines and resources that I have found the most helpful (especially if you don’t like making phone calls), in the hopes that someone else will also find one of these useful and can feel a little less alone if you are struggling.

Samaritans

  • Call: 116 123
  • Email: jo@samaritans.org (response time 12-24hrs)
  • Text: 07725909090 (response time est. 30minutes)

IMALIVE.org

Instant Messaging service, Not always online but useful when available, uses the name of ‘Alex’ when replying.

Crisisline

  • Text: SHOUT to 85258 (Free: ignore the notification on Android Phones that mentions a fee, the response time is usually a few minutes.

Lifeline (Northern Ireland Specific)

  • Call: 0808 808 8000 (free)

These are mostly UK specific, but if you click this link https://meta.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/Mental_health_resources, you can search by country for other resources.

Another resource for those in the states x

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/

Be Good to Yourselves and if you haven’t seen my previous post, please check it out https://iamerin.co.uk/2019/06/24/it-feels-like-1-step-forward-2-steps-back/

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

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I’m drowning, and I know it.

28 days. I had 28 days of being positive and in a good mood and I think today is the end of the run.

I felt myself slipping since this morning, small things. A boxset I ordered came in the post,I was so excited when I ordered it because it looked really good, it arrived and I find myself having no interest in watching it, the idea of concentrating for that long seems exhausting.

The next thing to happen was an intrusive thought- which I do get quite a bit, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that my mood is taking an extended nosedive. But all the same, it’s got me wondering because mentally healthy people don’t think ‘I could mix this with vodka and pills’ when they are taking a drink of fruit juice, do they?

The third and final thing, came as I was staring at the red light on the deep fat fryer about to make chips, I let my mind wander over a conversation I had tried to have earlier with my mum, I say tried, because it wasn’t so much a conversation, as me just talking at her, I got the impression she would rather not know what’s going on with me, my whole family just seem to find it awkward and want to avoid it, like not acknowledging it means that it’s not happening.

It is happening and it’s exhausting trying to hide it from my family to protect them because they seem unable or unwilling to even think that I might be finding life a little hard.

I get a break when I’m feeling good, the good feelings I can acknowledge around my family, I don’t have to hide, but heaven forbid I feel down, then no one wants to hear it.

I’m drowning, I know it, but I have to keep pretending like everything is ok. I was born prematurely, I weighed 1lb 9oz and could have died, I caused enough misery and heartache when I came into this world, I can’t be responsible for my family going through any more pain, by being the weird one in the family with a mental illness, so I have to hide it.

I’d give anything to be Normal, but I guess I’ve never really been a normal person from the minute I was born.

Erin x

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In a ‘Home from Holiday’ slump.

England was pretty good, apart from the fact that I managed to wake my roommates with my nightmares and spent nearly £100 on Ubers.

The Harry Potter studio tour was fantastic and I wish I’d had more time and money to spend there.

Today was my first proper day back home and my mood is a bit down, it was made worse by the fact that I went shopping…. Or tried to.

I tried on some clothes in New Look and have never felt and looked as fat in my life, so ended up feeling like crap and buying £60 worth of clothes and accessories for the gym, which I start back at regularly on Friday.

Erin x

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I’m tired. Of everything.

How did I reach the conclusion that I was tired of just about everything? It’s the small things that are often the last straw.

Which is pretty much what has happened today, a minor inconvenience to anyone else has felt like the end of the world for me.

I’ve cried for an hour straight, I’m questioning if I want to keep going with life, I know that in a day or two I could be back to a really great mood, but I also know that it won’t last and that sooner or later I’ll once again be being crushed by a wave of depression.

I’m just so tired of the constant ups and downs.

Erin x

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My Mind is like a high speed train and I want off!

I was supposed to be handing in my leftover medication to the pharmacy today, so that I could start a dispense daily prescription, but I’ll be real with you guys, I didn’t take them in, they aren’t working so I’ve decided to stop taking them – what’s the point in taking something that isn’t working?

I went to my GP this morning, to get an appointment to discuss my not wanting to continue with the medication, there were emergency appointments available, so the GP was going to give me a callback.

The result of that phone call is that my GP wants me to keep taking the medication and he would see me for my review in a month. After that phone call, I cried out of frustration at the situation I find myself in.

There are too many thoughts swirling about in my head, and I need some way to calm them down.

I can’t keep going like this (Nothing has changed in the last eight years) – 3 days of just wanting to sleep and having recurring suicidal thoughts, and now I have that many ideas going through my mind and tasks that I could be doing and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.

I’m struggling right now to tell the difference between things that have happened in a dream and things that have happened. According to my bank, I spent nearly £50 yesterday, and I have no clue what the hell it was on.

I need my mind to shut up and stop going from thoughts of my family hating me, to what I want to make for dinner, to are people talking about me.

Erin x

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What even is a normal day anymore???

I went to my appointment with a fake it til I make it attitude, turns out I’m pretty shit at faking being ok.

Self Harmed without even realising that’s what I was doing, so my therapist called my GP and the crisis team.

My GP wants me to hand in any medications I have and change to a dispense daily prescription and he will see me for a review in a month.

Meanwhile the crisis team have said that I don’t meet the criteria to need to be seen by them, so mentally I still feel like shit.

On another note, I spent my Monday night in A+E with my friend and honorary godchildren as one of them had got hurt.

Two hours and a little bit of glue later, everything was fixed and we were able to go home and straight to bed.

If only my mental health could be fixed that easily.

Posted in Uncategorized

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

It shouldn’t surprise me when I get depressed, after 8 years on this emotional rollercoaster, I should be used to things, the constant up and down.

A part of me wants to go to my Therapy appointment tomorrow as I am – I haven’t washed my hair in a week and my personal hygiene is questionable at the moment, The antidepressants no longer seem to work properly, as I feel like crap and am debating necking the lot of them.

Another part of me, says no. I have to get washed and dressed and be presentable and put on a smile and pretend like I’m fine, and like my moods ok and the meds are working, because I feel like a burden to my friends and family, if I say I need help or if I’m struggling.

I think to myself, I can’t take up a doctors time because someone else needs it more than I do, someone who has far more reason to have an illness than I do.

Apart from forcing myself to go to a friends baby shower – in which I was no doubt judged for my outfit and not having washed my hair, I have spent the weekend either lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping.

I have an app on my phone that asks you to identify your emotions each day and what the factors causing the emotion are, today I wasn’t able to fill it in, as I’m not sure what I feel exactly.

Erin x