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I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

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What even is a normal day anymore???

I went to my appointment with a fake it til I make it attitude, turns out I’m pretty shit at faking being ok.

Self Harmed without even realising that’s what I was doing, so my therapist called my GP and the crisis team.

My GP wants me to hand in any medications I have and change to a dispense daily prescription and he will see me for a review in a month.

Meanwhile the crisis team have said that I don’t meet the criteria to need to be seen by them, so mentally I still feel like shit.

On another note, I spent my Monday night in A+E with my friend and honorary godchildren as one of them had got hurt.

Two hours and a little bit of glue later, everything was fixed and we were able to go home and straight to bed.

If only my mental health could be fixed that easily.

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Why is it so hard to ask for help?

It shouldn’t surprise me when I get depressed, after 8 years on this emotional rollercoaster, I should be used to things, the constant up and down.

A part of me wants to go to my Therapy appointment tomorrow as I am – I haven’t washed my hair in a week and my personal hygiene is questionable at the moment, The antidepressants no longer seem to work properly, as I feel like crap and am debating necking the lot of them.

Another part of me, says no. I have to get washed and dressed and be presentable and put on a smile and pretend like I’m fine, and like my moods ok and the meds are working, because I feel like a burden to my friends and family, if I say I need help or if I’m struggling.

I think to myself, I can’t take up a doctors time because someone else needs it more than I do, someone who has far more reason to have an illness than I do.

Apart from forcing myself to go to a friends baby shower – in which I was no doubt judged for my outfit and not having washed my hair, I have spent the weekend either lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping.

I have an app on my phone that asks you to identify your emotions each day and what the factors causing the emotion are, today I wasn’t able to fill it in, as I’m not sure what I feel exactly.

Erin x

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Time to climb my Mountain

I officially started a 5 session course of counselling today, with an independent mental health organisation, whilst I wait for CBT through the NHS.

I am hoping to learn new skills to be able to cope better with my emotions and how I see situations – today I learnt that I Catastrophize and Self-Sabotage. That although I didn’t realise it, things in my childhood have and continue to affect me to this day and that I have yet to accept certain things and forgive myself, to accept that I am good enough even when I make mistakes or mess things up.

Erin x