Posted in Mental Health

Recovery is NOT straight forward

Just an update – I apologise for a month between posts, My Mental Health got in the way and zapped my motivation to write.

After taking a sub-therapeutic dose of a medication that was doing nothing but making me physically sick, I made the decision 2 weeks ago to come off it.

I was trying to be optimistic, hoping that the longer I rode things out that my mood would eventually lift again, over the last 3 or 4 weeks my mood has just been steadily getting worse.

so after 2 weeks, I decided I couldn’t go any longer and made the decision to go back on medication, this time one that I have used before and know will not make me ill. I’m still struggling to accept that being on medication doesn’t mean I have failed in my recovery.

Trying more every day to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, to fill my life with positives quotes and positive people – currently reading ‘Good Life, Good Vibes’ by Vex King – so far I highly recommend it.

Hope you are all well,

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

Medication can be a bumpy ride, but you can get through.

Let’s talk Medication Side Effects, I am on day 3 of a New Antidepressant, Vortioxetine also called Brintellix. They are tablets, that come in 5, 10,15 or 20 milligrams.

Personally, I am on 10mg daily and the main side effect that I am struggling with currently is nausea, for the first 2 days the nausea was really bad and I was physically sick, which makes you think, what’s the point in taking a medication that probably isn’t staying in your system anyway.

I woke up this morning and decided, third day lucky, I would give things another go.

I count today as a success, there’s been no vomiting, just nausea and a headache.

The best ways that I have found to combat the nausea are:

  • Take slow sips of drinks, like water or dilute orange etc
  • You can drink fizzy drinks slowly if they are ice cold (it’s strange)
  • Deep Breathing helps as does distraction!
  • Avoid Heavy, fried or greasy foods (trust me on this, keep things light)

Other than paracetamol and fresh air, I haven’t found any other ways to deal with the headaches.

I’ve also been having hot flushes and slightly fast pulse when I move around too quickly – but that’s been pretty easy to deal with, just don’t move too fast and make sure to keep cool.

Hopefully, the side effects only last a week, if not I’ll contact my doctor to see what they suggest.

If you are concerned by any side effects you may be having from Medication, contact your doctor or go to a hospital in an emergency and always read the safety leaflet that comes with your medication before taking it.

Wishing you a good week, I’m off to spend mine in Donegal, relaxing and spending time with nature, if you have any questions or just want to chat, you can email me at IamErin.inquire@gmail.com or Follow me on Twitter @ESamantha95

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

New Medication

Started taking my new medication yesterday, safe to say that I’ll be taking it at night time from now on.

For such a small pill, it didn’t half knock me on my ass, I have never felt dizziness and the need to sleep more in my life.

I’m finding it hard to focus today – Physically, not Mentally.

My eyes just feel heavy and it’s kind of hard to read as it feels like the words are moving. Maybe I just need to go back to bed even though I got a good 6 hours of sleep.

I went into a book/stationary store this morning, which I really shouldn’t do. I always end up buying something that realistically, I don’t need and can’t afford to be buying right now anyway.

3 Books, a Pen, 2 Bracelets and a Hand-Crank Fan later and I am £10 poorer than I was this morning. To top it off, I can’t even focus to read the first of the books anyway.

I am not even sure what the books are about to be honest, they are packaged in such a way, that I can’t read the blurb on the backs, so other than the name of the author and the title of the book itself, the theme of the book shall remain a surprise.

Wishing you a pleasant day,

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

life update – Hoping this is just a blip

I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting my blog right now, for the last 3 weeks my mood has been pretty good, I uploaded some videos to youtube and have been getting on well with my CBT appointments.

I am happy to say that I have started exercising more and am trying to lose some weight and get healthier, in the hopes that, that will help improve my mental health.

Today I woke up feeling sad and emotional for no apparent reason and my mood has dipped, which I’m thinking is just a blip, nothing has changed in the last 3 weeks to cause my dip in mood (well other than I’ve been reducing medication, so that I can start a new one).

Taking life one day at a time

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

How exactly do I forgive myself?

So I had my 5th session of CBT on Monday (1st July) . In 5 sessions I’ve learned that I don’t like experiencing negative emotion and that I need to find positive ways to express my emotions – so I haven’t learnt anything I didn’t already know. The realisation I did come to is that I need to learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past, in order to move forward.

I’ve been carrying around a lot of shame, anger and guilt for years, over situations that I can’t change, feeling like I’m not normal or not good enough because I’m not like everyone else.

It’s time I start learning how to deal with guilt and shame and learn to forgive myself to be able to move forward with my life. I need to learn to love myself for who I am today, not grieve for the person I wish I had been. (I get the feeling that it’s not going to be easy).

I’m on day 10 of the reduced dose of medication and I honestly don’t know if my mood would of naturally dipped at this time or if it’s caused by the reduced dose of medication. My Birthday is in two days and I had plans to go out, to have fun and right now I’d much rather stay in and watch a movie and have a few drinks in the house with my best friend.

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

It feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

My appointment today went ok, kind of…….If feeling like I’m back at square 1 and haven’t exactly gotten anywhere in the last 8 years, can be called ok.

The result of today is that I am changing medication, which means that I have to come off the medication that I’m on now, over the next four weeks – which is quite frankly terrifying.

I’ve also discovered today that I hate the new name of EUPD, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder just feels like a slap in the face, the word ‘unstable’ makes people think that I’m going to turn around and kill them or something, when in reality I’m more of a risk to myself than others.

The new medication didn’t exactly come with a glowing endorsement either, ‘to be honest, I don’t think it will help, but we’ll try it’ is not exactly the sentence you want to hear from a Doctor, it doesn’t boost my confidence.

So now I feel like crying out of frustration and like I’m failing at ‘recovery’ because nothing has really changed in the last eight years.

I suppose that I just need to take things a day at a time and remain positive. Overall though, my mood has been pretty good, I’ve just been anxious about the appointment and wondering what to expect but now that it’s over, I’m thinking, what was I worried about…..

Erin

Posted in Mental Health

It’s FriYAY!!!

I’m making a pledge to be more active on my blog, so I will be trying to post at least once a week.

I know a lot of people probably find my posts boring, but that’s ok. My goal with this blog is to have somewhere to get all my thoughts and feelings out, so that I wasn’t being burdened by them and so far things seem to be working well.

I’m finding my blog more helpful than the techniques I have learnt in CBT to be honest.

For my appointment on Monday, I need to work up the courage to speak my mind. Usually saying what I think isn’t an issue, but when it comes to doctors I think ’what do I know? They have a medical degree.’ – but as someone close to be pointed out to me – my opinion counts because it’s my brain and I know how I do or don’t feel.

I started off thinking to myself that they are going to tell me that I am fine for some reason and that I can’t be helped, this train of thought caused me three panic attacks last week.

I shall have to find the resolve to make the comments and speak my mind on Monday – I don’t feel that the medication I am on is helping as much as I need. There are bound to be other medications apart from Fluoxetine that can help with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Anyone also diagnosed with BPD, what meds do you take and what are they for??

Erin x

Posted in Mental Health

Anxiety will not beat me.

My mood the last few days has been really good, despite the weather being pretty crap for June.

The closer it gets to 3pm on the 24th June, the sicker I feel, but i can’t let my anxiety about this appointment win – It’s just the fear of the unknown and not knowing what to expect.

I have been spending more time volunteering this week, the team of people that I work with a truly amazing and have helped my Mental Health more than they know. I don’t know what I would be doing if I didn’t have that support, it’s been the constant in my life for approx. 4 years now.

Erin x

Posted in Uncategorized

I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

Posted in Uncategorized

28th May 2019

My next therapy appointment isn’t until the 3rd June, and I’m finding things hard right now- so this is my alternative, talk to the internet, or myself if no one reads my blog.

This morning, I have come to the library in the hopes of continuing some of my online course, but I can’t concentrate.

Today I feel like crying at pretty much everything, and every little thing seems to annoy me more than it should.

For Instance, I tried to get a seat in the library this morning, only for this 16-year-old to tell me; she was saving these seats for her friends. Now usually this wouldn’t bother me too much, but not today, today this simple thing made me so angry that I had to walk away before I could practically see myself punching this random girl.

I’ve had a headache on and off for the last three days, which is probably affecting my mood quite a bit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad; I’m just empty. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days asleep because I’m not getting enjoyment out of anything. I’ve started to watch the first episode of about six different tv shows and lost interest about 10 minutes into each, before moving to another show and repeating the process.

Erin x