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I’m drowning, and I know it.

28 days. I had 28 days of being positive and in a good mood and I think today is the end of the run.

I felt myself slipping since this morning, small things. A boxset I ordered came in the post,I was so excited when I ordered it because it looked really good, it arrived and I find myself having no interest in watching it, the idea of concentrating for that long seems exhausting.

The next thing to happen was an intrusive thought- which I do get quite a bit, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that my mood is taking an extended nosedive. But all the same, it’s got me wondering because mentally healthy people don’t think ‘I could mix this with vodka and pills’ when they are taking a drink of fruit juice, do they?

The third and final thing, came as I was staring at the red light on the deep fat fryer about to make chips, I let my mind wander over a conversation I had tried to have earlier with my mum, I say tried, because it wasn’t so much a conversation, as me just talking at her, I got the impression she would rather not know what’s going on with me, my whole family just seem to find it awkward and want to avoid it, like not acknowledging it means that it’s not happening.

It is happening and it’s exhausting trying to hide it from my family to protect them because they seem unable or unwilling to even think that I might be finding life a little hard.

I get a break when I’m feeling good, the good feelings I can acknowledge around my family, I don’t have to hide, but heaven forbid I feel down, then no one wants to hear it.

I’m drowning, I know it, but I have to keep pretending like everything is ok. I was born prematurely, I weighed 1lb 9oz and could have died, I caused enough misery and heartache when I came into this world, I can’t be responsible for my family going through any more pain, by being the weird one in the family with a mental illness, so I have to hide it.

I’d give anything to be Normal, but I guess I’ve never really been a normal person from the minute I was born.

Erin x

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