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I really hate this roller coaster of emotion.

My mood is getting worse again. I woke up this morning and was supposed to be going to my volunteer job for 10 am, but I just felt so tired and like crying.

I left the house to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication – I have yet to actually open and take today’s meds because I’m currently in the mindset of ‘it’s not working anyway so what’s the point.’

I’m hurting myself again. I’m on medication that isn’t working and I’m waiting for a referral back to community mental health.

I just want my good moods back!

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28th May 2019

My next therapy appointment isn’t until the 3rd June, and I’m finding things hard right now- so this is my alternative, talk to the internet, or myself if no one reads my blog.

This morning, I have come to the library in the hopes of continuing some of my online course, but I can’t concentrate.

Today I feel like crying at pretty much everything, and every little thing seems to annoy me more than it should.

For Instance, I tried to get a seat in the library this morning, only for this 16-year-old to tell me; she was saving these seats for her friends. Now usually this wouldn’t bother me too much, but not today, today this simple thing made me so angry that I had to walk away before I could practically see myself punching this random girl.

I’ve had a headache on and off for the last three days, which is probably affecting my mood quite a bit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not sad; I’m just empty. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days asleep because I’m not getting enjoyment out of anything. I’ve started to watch the first episode of about six different tv shows and lost interest about 10 minutes into each, before moving to another show and repeating the process.

Erin x

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I’m drowning, and I know it.

28 days. I had 28 days of being positive and in a good mood and I think today is the end of the run.

I felt myself slipping since this morning, small things. A boxset I ordered came in the post,I was so excited when I ordered it because it looked really good, it arrived and I find myself having no interest in watching it, the idea of concentrating for that long seems exhausting.

The next thing to happen was an intrusive thought- which I do get quite a bit, so it doesn’t necessarily mean that my mood is taking an extended nosedive. But all the same, it’s got me wondering because mentally healthy people don’t think ‘I could mix this with vodka and pills’ when they are taking a drink of fruit juice, do they?

The third and final thing, came as I was staring at the red light on the deep fat fryer about to make chips, I let my mind wander over a conversation I had tried to have earlier with my mum, I say tried, because it wasn’t so much a conversation, as me just talking at her, I got the impression she would rather not know what’s going on with me, my whole family just seem to find it awkward and want to avoid it, like not acknowledging it means that it’s not happening.

It is happening and it’s exhausting trying to hide it from my family to protect them because they seem unable or unwilling to even think that I might be finding life a little hard.

I get a break when I’m feeling good, the good feelings I can acknowledge around my family, I don’t have to hide, but heaven forbid I feel down, then no one wants to hear it.

I’m drowning, I know it, but I have to keep pretending like everything is ok. I was born prematurely, I weighed 1lb 9oz and could have died, I caused enough misery and heartache when I came into this world, I can’t be responsible for my family going through any more pain, by being the weird one in the family with a mental illness, so I have to hide it.

I’d give anything to be Normal, but I guess I’ve never really been a normal person from the minute I was born.

Erin x

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I just needed to ramble…..

What have I done in the last two days?

  • Dutifully called at the pharmacy everyday, to get my medication (The having to pick it up everyday precaution is getting pretty annoying if I wanted to Overdose, there are plenty of other pills I could take, but I suppose I can see the doctors point about not putting temptation in my way, after all, BPD has an 8-10% Mortality Rate apparently.)
  • Feeling particularly energetic yesterday, I decided to have a proper clear out of my bedroom, getting rid of clothes that no longer fit- of which I had a lot, some with the tags still on them. I binned an insane amount of out of date makeup and general useless crap, that I’d forgotten that I ever had. By the end of the 2 hours I had managed to tidy to a reasonable standard, the room felt like a different place, and I had managed to burn off the restless energy in a positive way.

As a side note, I am currently 9 days Self Harm free, it’s not a lot, but it’s something, and I am proud of it.

Erin x

           

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In a ‘Home from Holiday’ slump.

England was pretty good, apart from the fact that I managed to wake my roommates with my nightmares and spent nearly £100 on Ubers.

The Harry Potter studio tour was fantastic and I wish I’d had more time and money to spend there.

Today was my first proper day back home and my mood is a bit down, it was made worse by the fact that I went shopping…. Or tried to.

I tried on some clothes in New Look and have never felt and looked as fat in my life, so ended up feeling like crap and buying £60 worth of clothes and accessories for the gym, which I start back at regularly on Friday.

Erin x