I finally got my new phone- it’s going to take a little getting used to, as I’ve always used iPhone but the Huawei P30 Pro in Breathing Crystal, just looks so pretty and the camera is awesome.
I’ve been advised by several people that I would probably do quite well if I started a youtube channel, but I have yet to work up the courage to actually upload anything that I have filmed, so a friend suggested that I do a live on YouTube, so that I can’t let my anxiety stop me from posting.
I don’t have a lot planned for today- I just have to pick up my meds at the chemist and then sort out a few things for going to London at the end of the week.
I booked tickets to go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour, I kept saying that I wanted to go and then never booked it, but when I managed to get flights, hotel and tickets to the studio tour for like £80, I decided that I had to book it at that price, 3 days away and it’s rather exciting.
It’s the early hours of the morning on Sunday 28th April, I’m currently listening to music and have just opened WordPress to write a new blog post. When I signed in, I had an idea of what I wanted to write about, but in the minute it’s taken me to get to the create my post page, I have completely lost the train of thought that I was going to follow.
I know that some bloggers like to plan out posts in advance, but I can’t seem to do it, I’m a spur of the moment kind of person, when the urge to write hits, I oblige.
Money tree – that was it!
Since my slight blip on Wednesday, I spent the Majority of Thursday in bed, watching tv and with my phone turned off to avoid people and social media.
Friday found me in a much better mood.
I went to my volunteering job and then proceeded to go downtown to finish buying things for a friend who is pregnant, the idea was that I would buy what I needed in cash and then go home.It didn’t quite work out that way, and I found myself looking at a rather cute elephant teddy and some other bits to go with what I had already bought ( I was only supposed to be getting a gift bag and card, as I’ve already bought baby clothes etc.).
I used my Credit Card for a few things and now have a month to figure out where I’m supposed to find the money to pay what I owe to avoid interest.
Plus I go to London for a few days at the end of the week and don’t think I’m going to have enough money – which means I’m going to need my good old credit card.
I have a month to worry about how I’m going to pay the money off, and I’ll figure things out, I usually do.
How did I reach the conclusion that I was tired of just about everything? It’s the small things that are often the last straw.
Which is pretty much what has happened today, a minor inconvenience to anyone else has felt like the end of the world for me.
I’ve cried for an hour straight, I’m questioning if I want to keep going with life, I know that in a day or two I could be back to a really great mood, but I also know that it won’t last and that sooner or later I’ll once again be being crushed by a wave of depression.
Since my last post my things have been pretty good mood wise.
I had to go to my GP to get my hand looked at as it has become a little infected, a few days of changing bandages and iodine and it is well on the way to healing – if the itch is any indication anyway.
On thursday, my mind wouldnt shut up and i needed things to slow down, so upon speaking to a friend, I am now trying CBD Oil in my vape, which I must say is actually working pretty well for me.
Over the past 6 days, I have napped, tidied (a bit), washed and dried clothes (without shrinking them) and binged watched ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ on Netflix, it’s actually a really good series and I find it really funny as someone who has BPD.
I had a lovely day yesterday (Monday 22nd) at my volunteering job- lots of tea and chocolate biscuits, before meeting my mum in town – the result of which is I get to pick up a new phone on Wednesday, I’m officially jumping ship from an iPhone X to a Huawei P30 Pro.
Took one of those online personality quiz things and my results are the attached image….. it’s scarily accurate I would say.
I was supposed to be handing in my leftover medication to the pharmacy today, so that I could start a dispense daily prescription, but I’ll be real with you guys, I didn’t take them in, they aren’t working so I’ve decided to stop taking them – what’s the point in taking something that isn’t working?
I went to my GP this morning, to get an appointment to discuss my not wanting to continue with the medication, there were emergency appointments available, so the GP was going to give me a callback.
The result of that phone call is that my GP wants me to keep taking the medication and he would see me for my review in a month. After that phone call, I cried out of frustration at the situation I find myself in.
There are too many thoughts swirling about in my head, and I need some way to calm them down.
I can’t keep going like this (Nothing has changed in the last eight years) – 3 days of just wanting to sleep and having recurring suicidal thoughts, and now I have that many ideas going through my mind and tasks that I could be doing and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.
I’m struggling right now to tell the difference between things that have happened in a dream and things that have happened. According to my bank, I spent nearly £50 yesterday, and I have no clue what the hell it was on.
I need my mind to shut up and stop going from thoughts of my family hating me, to what I want to make for dinner, to are people talking about me.
It shouldn’t surprise me when I get depressed, after 8 years on this emotional rollercoaster, I should be used to things, the constant up and down.
A part of me wants to go to my Therapy appointment tomorrow as I am – I haven’t washed my hair in a week and my personal hygiene is questionable at the moment, The antidepressants no longer seem to work properly, as I feel like crap and am debating necking the lot of them.
Another part of me, says no. I have to get washed and dressed and be presentable and put on a smile and pretend like I’m fine, and like my moods ok and the meds are working, because I feel like a burden to my friends and family, if I say I need help or if I’m struggling.
I think to myself, I can’t take up a doctors time because someone else needs it more than I do, someone who has far more reason to have an illness than I do.
Apart from forcing myself to go to a friends baby shower – in which I was no doubt judged for my outfit and not having washed my hair, I have spent the weekend either lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or sleeping.
I have an app on my phone that asks you to identify your emotions each day and what the factors causing the emotion are, today I wasn’t able to fill it in, as I’m not sure what I feel exactly.
So my mum is back in the hospital again, since Monday, a blood clot in her lung. I feel sorry for both my parents – they spent their 37th wedding anniversary in the local hospital.
I’ve been visiting her in the afternoons, she’s getting better and will hopefully be home soon, but the doctors are saying she might be on injections for the rest of her life.
This week, I’ve had three days of pretty crappy mood, wondering what the point of life is and Self Harming. I’m now back in an ok-ish mood but am exhausted and want to cry for no reason simultaneously.
I’m starting to get anxious about my 2nd Therapy appointment; it’s at 11 am on Monday. I can’t remember the half of what I talked about in my session three weeks ago, and I’m still debating on if I should come clean and admit that I zoned out for a bit in the last appointment or wait and hope it doesn’t happen again.
It’s like this: I’ll be having a conversation and all these thoughts are going through my mind, and my brain zones out of the discussion and latches on to this random train of thought. Then I’m left not having heard the question and have to either make up an answer and hope that it’s the right one or ask the person to repeat the question (which I hate doing unless it’s a friend or family member).
Between feeling at one with the world one minute and wanting to cry for no reason, the next, I think it’s pretty obvious that my good mood has well and truly done a runner.
I find myself taking sanctuary in the public library – it has become my safe space, I can get away from everything, turn my phone on silent and I don’t have to speak to anyone.
Just me and whatever project I’ve been working on.
My current project will no doubt go the way of the rest – forgotten about for weeks and then picked up again as I’d never left it.
Ever been in such a good mood that you feel like you could learn piano in a day? I have; Got a keyboard, took an online course and then moved on to something else about a week later. Still can’t play the piano.
Thought to myself – ‘you know what, I’m going to write a book about my life and Mental Health’, I’ve written two chapters and haven’t looked at it in months.
These constant up and down moods are exhausting, I’m not entirely sure that the antidepressants I am on are working very well. My main reason for sticking with them is that I don’t gain weight when I’m on them – vain of me, I know.
I keep being asked by doctors “What’s a normal stable mood period like for me?”
My answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what’s normal.
Being in a good mood to the point where I feel like I can take on anything
Dropping to a low in which I plan how I would kill myself
Or is it
Feeling like I have so much energy and can do lots of things but at the same time being in such a bad mood that I wonder what the point of life really is?.
I wouldn’t know what a normal mood was if it slapped me in the face.
I can say that I have had a pretty good two weeks. I have spent time with friends and family and celebrated my sister’s 30th Birthday.
It hasn’t all been plain sailing these last 2 weeks though, there has been the occasional incident – my being quick to anger, looking back at the situation I had no need to become involved in it, but at the time I felt I was the only person who could help. It eventually led to me becoming a rather unpopular presence in my local shop, so I have been avoiding it because I know if I go in and the person concerned says something to me, I am likely to hit her.
Impulsivity is definitely still an issue for me, I watched my favourite vlogger on youtube and latched onto the idea that I wanted to dye my hair – I’ve now gone from being a brown/blonde to a mix of brown and purple. I managed to fall down the stairs in my friend’s house, whilst dying my hair and have some pretty tender bruising, as a result, wacked my head too and then went to my sisters Birthday Party, had some prosecco and proceeded to sleep for the next 19 hours.
Now I’m awake and bored and have an urge to cry for absolutely no reason, I think my good mood might be coming to an end, I can feel the black clouds rolling in and fogging up my mind, my thoughts are slowing and it scares me. It always scares me, I can’t help but wonder every time ‘Will this be the storm that kills me?’.